"So what did you learn?" Elvis asked Slobba as he adjusted the collar of his new costume.
"What in the name of Holy Thor are you wearing?" asked Slobba.
"It's my costume for my new act" replied Elvis defensively “I call it a suit”
Slobba stared incredulously at Elvis. He was wearing dark trousers and a white broad collared shirt. Over the top of the shirt he was wearing a black jacket while upon his feet he wore black shoes.
“Why did you dye your hair red?” he asked.
“Also part of the costume”
"Looks a bit odd to me" said Slobba in a dubious tone "you know I'm really not comfortable with you changing your act at the last minute."
"The fans will love it" Elvis said confidently "now what did you learn?"
Slobba took a few seconds to gather his thoughts before responding.
"I’ve confirmed that the obelix has been here since well before the city was settled. This was such a good location that the founding settlers decided to build the city around it. A lot of people have tried to gain entrance over the years but none have been able to do so until the man that went missing. That's about it" he concluded.
"I've been able to learn a little bit more than that" said Elvis smugly. "It was apparently built over 300 years ago by 4 wizards known as the Ministry of Winds. After they built it they disappeared. No one knows what is inside."
"It may be worth checking out then" said Slobba as he walked towards the door of Elvis' room. "I'm going to make sure that everything is ready for tonight" he said before closing the door behind him.
It was a wonderful dream. The landscape was dark, foreboding and bleak. The sky was a hideous shade of blood red. The air was oppressively hot and the screams of the souls being tortured were music to his ears. Hot rain was beating down onto his face as he ate the heart of….. … ‘Wait a second…….rain? It doesn’t’ rain in the Nine Hells!’
Reggie woke with a start as a stream of yellow liquid cascaded over his head. Beyond the stream he saw a large hairy figure squatting over him. With a roar of rage he rolled out from underneath it and prepared to cast a spell at the Wolf.
“Oh do shut up Gimp” said Shyne impatiently “I’m rehearsing my lines for tonight’s show”.
‘I’m going to fking kill him!” Reggie screamed to himself “and then I’m going to fking kill you you fat fk!’
“Yes Master” replied Reggie as he seethed with anger.
The Wolf trotted out of the room and into the corridor beyond. If it were possible for a Wolf to laugh Reggie was sure that it would have done so. ‘You are DEAD!’ He screamed inwardly.
“Can I help you with your lines Master” Reggie asked Shyne in a neutral tone.
“No” replied Shyne “just go and clean yourself up. I will speak to Alyse about her wolf, although I don’t know why it would have done such a thing, it seems to be very well trained”.
“I can’t imagine why either Master” said Reggie “perhaps it didn’t see me”.
“Yes you're probably right. Now do be quiet so that I can finish practicing” said Shyne dismissively.
“Yes Master” said Reggie ‘First the flea bag, then you….’
Two hours later the White Stag was filled to capacity with patrons eager for the night’s entertainment to begin. The extra bar maids that had been put on to help for the night moved lithely through the crowd, expertly dodging groping hands while carrying trays laden with mugs and bowls. The air was stuffy and stank of stale sweat, ale and cooking food.
Alyse peered through the door that lead to the tap room and nervously surveyed the crowd.
“So many” she whispered to Grumpy.
“Aye we’ve never performed in front of so many people before” agreed the Dwarf. “Time to get the show on the road, the crowd’s a waiting” said Grumpy.
Alyse nodded in agreement, opened the door then strode out to the stage that was located just inside the room. It took her a minute to get the attention of the crowd and a few more to get them quiet enough to commence her oratory.
“Ladies and Gentlemen!” She shouted “It is my pleasure to welcome you to the White Stag tonight to witness entertainment that you have never seen, or are likely to see again. Unless you come back tomorrow night!” she said to laughter.
“We are going to start the show with a storyteller that is second to none. He will be recounting the tale of how the mines around Vandrewmans Port
Grumpy strode to the stage to the cheers of the crowd. As he did so Shyne slipped through the door and moved just out of sight of the audience and began to prepare his spells. Although Grumpy had missed the liberation of the mines he had been well versed by his friends as to what had occurred. He began his tale in a whisper so that those in the crowd had to lean forward to hear his words. As the story unfolded Shyne began to cast his spells; spectral figures appeared in front of the dwarf and the entire battle was played out before the breathless audience. They gasped as Shyne was struck by the Troll; they recoiled in horror as the undead moved toward Slobba then shrieked in alarm as the zombie’s claw raked his face. They cheered as Elvis danced and sang while waving his maracas to inspire his friends. The story concluded with the apparition of Llona striking down the Orc to the thunderous applause of all within the tavern. Scores of coins were thrown onto the front of the stage as Grumpy bowed low to acknowledge the cheers then left the room, passing Alyse and Slobba, who was carrying a small drum under his arm, as they took to the stage.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s hear it for GRUMPY!” shouted Alyse and cheers once again erupted.
As the noise died down Alyse again spoke to the crowd.
“Now we have a special treat for you” she began as behind her Slobba sat quietly upon a stool with the drum sitting in his lap “all the way from the deep forests of the Elven Confederacy I give you Llona Chestblossom!”
Slobba started to beat the drum in a slow rhythmic fashion and on queue Llona leapt through the door and tumbled across the floor. She was wearing a pale blue leotard that barely contained her ‘assets’. Many were the patrons that hoped for a wardrobe malfunction. Llona ran across the stage then launched herself upwards and somersaulted in mid air then landed on her feet. Slobba beat the drum faster as a bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face. Llona turned and started to back flip back across the stage to the beat of the drum. As her routine continued to build in speed Llona became increasingly aware of her affect on the crowd and how she, in turn, fed off the energy they created. Although they were mostly human she became intoxicated by their clapping and aroused by their cheers. The faster she tumbled and writhed the louder they screamed. The louder they screamed the faster she moved. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Shyne staring at her from the doorway with undisguised lust upon his face.
The drum beat faster.
Llona raced back across the stage and leapt spinning into the air. A fraction of a second before she hit the ground she thrust her right leg forward and her left leg backwards and landed flush on the floor in the 'splits'. Her chest heaved with exertion as she laboured for breath, behind her Slobba sagged back on his stool, his right arm dangling exhausted by his side. For a second the tavern fell silent before it exploded into a crescendo of noise. Llona remained on the floor, seemingly lost in the moment, before Alyse hurried over to her.
"Get up and take a bow" she whispered to her urgently.
"I can't" replied Llona in between breaths "I'm stuck"
"Is it cramp?" Alyse questioned
"No" came the terse reply "I'm STUCK!"
"You're...stu....oh...SLOBBA! Quickly, help me get her up!"
Slobba made his way over to the two women and grabbed Llona by one arm while Alyse grabbed the other.
"On the count of three" said Alyse "one, two three!
Thanks to the noise made by the crowd only the three of them heard the small slurping popping sound Llona made as was lifted off the ground.
"Enjoy that performance did you?" asked Slobba snidely as the three of them bowed to the audience who once again rained coins down upon the stage.
"Oh shut up" came Llonas terse response as Slobba helped her towards the door way where Shyne was standing dressed in his golden actors’ robes.
"That was wonderful" said Shyne enthusiastically "I loved it!"
"I can see that" said Slobba dryly.
Back on the stage Alyse was addressing the room once again.
"Ladies and Gentlemen I'm sure you'll agree that was a magnificent performance from Llona!" She shouted above the noise. "And now I'd like to introduce you to our next entertainer Shyne’mai Goldenrod, who is going to perform his one man play titled 'An Ode to my White Snake!'"
"Looks like he started the play already" someone shouted from the back of the room to the amusement of all those in attendance.
"What are they talking about?" Shyne whispered to Alyse after he reached the stage.
Alyse's eyes widened in shock as she glanced at the front of Shynes robe.
"I err, don't know" she stammered "Break a leg!" she said before rushing off towards the door.
Shyne purged the confused look from his face, turned to face the audience and began to speak.
It was a performance for the ages. The audience hung upon Shynes every word as he related the story of his magnificent White Snake and how it had become such an important part of his life. They laughed as he told how he’d accidently poked one of his friends in the eye when they were playing with it. They cried when he told them how he had been forced to beat it regularly to get its venom out. It did not gain him the cheers that Grumpy had received for his story, nor the adulation that Llona had received for her acrobatic routine. Shyne affected his audience in another way. Each member that saw his performance felt that they had been personally touched by his White Snake, and Shyne wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
As he bowed to the people he too was showered with coins. 'It’s turning out to be a very profitable night indeed' he thought to himself as he walked off the stage 'and with Elvis the Master Bard yet to come we should surely make a small fortune this night!'
"What the FK are you wearing and why did you dye your hair red?" Llona asked Elvis in a demanding tone as he stood at the entrance to the tap room.
'It's called a 'soot'" said Slobba "It's for his new act"
"New act? No one told me about a new act!" said Shyne in alarm as he entered the room.
"Nor me" said Grumpy.
"It's just a little something I've been working on" said Elvis with a smile. "Look at that crowd out there, this is the best show that we've ever done. What could possibly go wrong?"
"Oh I don't know" replied Llona "maybe some jumped up retarded bard could change his act at the last minute and totally fk things up".
"Relax Llona, I'm Elvis, I never leave the crowd disappointed" he said arrogantly before he entered the room with Shyne hot on his heels.
"Don't worry" said Slobba "everything will be fine."
The crowd was cheering as Elvis took to the stage in his strange costume. They had heard good things about the bard and they were looking forward to a great show.
The lights in the tavern slowly dimmed. In the background Shyne began to chant and suddenly Elvis was encased in light. With a smile on his face Elvis began to walk on the spot as if in slow motion then in his powerful voice he began to sing
We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
As Elvis continued his song people in the audience started to look sideways at each other. What was this they asked? This wasn't music! This was the most horrible song that had ever been sung in the history of singing!
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
They started to shift angrily in their seats as Elvis burst into the chorus
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
"Boo!!" some began to shout "get off!" screamed others.
Never gonna run around and desert you
"Oh sht!" said Slobba to anyone that would listen "this is a fkn disaster"
Never gonna make you cry
A full bottle of ale flew from the crowd hitting hit Elvis flush in the face and he dropped unconscious to the floor.
That's when things really got out of hand.
Authors note: For those that aren't familiar with the rules of DnD it is a die based role playing game. When a character attempts to perform a skill the player rolls a 20 sided die and adds whatever bonus they have to the score to obtain the total. We have a house rule in our game that if you roll a 20 on the die you add an additional 10 to your total. On the flip side if you roll a 1 you subtract 10 from the total. During this session everyone rolled really high numbers.
Elvis rolled a 1, hence the Rick Astley dance moves and song.
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