Chapter IX – Did It Knock Some Sense Into Him?

Elvis was dimly aware of what was going on around him.  In the distance he could hear shouting and the sounds of fighting.  His head was throbbing with pain and he struggled to breathe as smoke from a fire started to fill his lungs.  It felt like he was being carried over someone’s shoulder but he didn’t know whose.  ‘Probably Slobba’s’ He thought through the pain.   He heard a female voice rise above the chaos and say “I’m going to fking kill him!” in an angry tone.  As he turned towards the voice something struck him on the side of the head and he once again slipped into darkness. “Be careful!” shouted Shyne as Slobba accidentally hit Elvis’ head on the door frame as he ran through it and into the street outside of the burning tavern. All around him people were jumping out of windows and running through doors to escape the flames.  Amazingly in spite of everything some drunken patrons still fought each in the street. ‘Humans!’ Shyne thought to himself in disgust as he conducted a quick head count to ensure that everyone had made it out of the burning building. “Let’s make for the Glade of Contemplation” he said.
“Did anyone manage to pick up the gold from the stage?” asked Llona as she wiped tears from her eyes that had been caused by the smoke.

She was disappointed when her companions all murmured “No”.

“I….am….going…to…..KILL HIM!” she said viciously.

“Stow it girl, save your breath for running” said Grumpy as he turned and set off at a trot in the direction of the sacred Glade.

Ten minutes later the group was taking stock of their situation whilst sitting on the grass in the Glade of Contemplation.  Elvis, after having thrown up all over Slobba’s back, was lying in the foetal position under one of the many large trees that surrounded the central pond.  To their good fortune it appeared that the local Druid was absent.

“So what are we going to do now” asked Alyse as she ran her fingers through her hair in a vain attempt to tidy it up.

“Thanks to Llona we had all of our equipment handy so at least we didn’t leave anything behind” said Shyne with a nod towards his female Elven companion.

“What happened?” asked Elvis with a groan as he tried to sit up.

“Your new act caused a riot” spat Llona disgustedly.

“Someone threw a bottle of ale at you” said Slobba as he moved to Elvis to examine his wounds.

“Outrageous!” said Grumpy angrily “A waste of good ale it was”.

After numerous attempts Elvis gave up on trying to sit and laid back down upon the grass to let the Cleric tend to his injuries.  Slobba gently probed his skull with his fingers to search for any possible cracks but fortunately did not find any.  Aside from a large gash just above his right eye that was still seeping blood, Elvis also had a big bruise on the side of his head from where it had hit the door frame.  After he was satisfied that none of the injuries were life threatening, Slobba called upon the power of Thor and cast a healing spell upon Elvis' wounds.  After the spell was completed both injuries were gone and Elvis' skin colour, which seconds before had been a pasty shade of pale, once again took on the olive hue of a sun bronzed Adonis.
"Gimp" said Shyne to his familiar "gather some wood so that we can make a fire" he commanded.
'Get your own fking wood you pointy eared bastard' Reggie thought to himself.
"Yes Master" said Reggie before setting off to find wood suitable for a fire.
"Do you think that is wise?" asked Alyse.
"A small fire will not trouble a Druid" Shyne responded "Besides, it's been a busy night and we could do with a brief rest.  We can also take the opportunity to change out of our costumes"
"Good idea" replied Alyse as she began to hunt through her back pack for her clothes.  Finding what she sought she ventured out into the darkness to change behind a tree.  The others in the party took her queue and also disappeared out of sight to get changed.  A few minutes later they were all back around the camp fire that Gimp had created in their absence.

"So what's the plan now?" asked Llona as she lay on the ground and used her pack as a pillow.
"It's probably a good idea if we laid low for a few days" suggested Grumpy.
"I agree but where should we hide?" said Llona
"The obelisk" said Slobba before he bit down on some jerky from his trail rations.
"But how will we get in?" asked Shyne
"I don't know" Slobba responded "but there must be a door in it somewhere".
"Sounds like a plan" said Elvis "we'll set out in 30 minutes.

Just over an hour later, after dodging a number of Larencian patrols, they found themselves outside of the large black obelisk that sat in the centre of town.  The base of the obelisk was about 40 x 40 feet and it rose to nearly 120 feet in height.  It was a black starless night with a strong breeze blowing from the South. 

"Spread out and see if you can find an entrance" Elvis instructed.
After 10 minutes of searching they found nothing.
"Perhaps there is no door" said Slobba in frustration as the wind began to die down.
"Let's have another look" said Alyse as the wind disappeared for a few seconds before picking up again.
"What is that?" Llona whispered quietly.
"What?" said Elvis "I don't see anything”.
"Just over there" said Llona as she pointed to the centre of the wall of the obelisk in front of them.  "When the wind died down I thought I saw the outline of a door".
"Well this was built by Wizards known as the Ministry of Winds, maybe the door only appears when there isn't any wind" suggested Slobba.
"Makes sense" said Elvis "and this is the windiest coastal area in Taswegia so it's not going to appear often".
"Right" said Shyne "Llona go and stand where you thought it appeared.  If the wind dies down again see if you can locate the door then open it"
Llona moved over to the centre of the wall and waited.  The wind ebbed and flowed in intensity and nearly an hour passed before it dropped off altogether. 
"I think I see something" said Llona as she stepped a few places to her left and began to probe the wall. 
"Yes, there is definitely a door here.  Stand back and I'll see if I can open it" she said as she withdrew her lock pick from her belt pouch. 
Just as she started to probe what she thought was the locking mechanism the wind once again picked up and the outline of the door disappeared.  Llona swore in frustration before she settled back to wait for the wind to die off again.  Nearly 15 minutes passed before the outline of the door once again appeared.  With her fingers moving deftly across the surface confirmed that she'd found the lock before she attempted to open it with her tools.  After a minute she gave a satisfied grunt as the door swung open to reveal the darkness beyond.

Chapter VIII – Bringing the House Down

"So what did you learn?" Elvis asked Slobba as he adjusted the collar of his new costume.

"What in the name of Holy Thor are you wearing?" asked Slobba.

"It's my costume for my new act" replied Elvis defensively “I call it a suit”

Slobba stared incredulously at Elvis. He was wearing dark trousers and a white broad collared shirt.  Over the top of the shirt he was wearing a black jacket while upon his feet he wore black shoes.

“Why did you dye your hair red?” he asked.

“Also part of the costume”

"Looks a bit odd to me" said Slobba in a dubious tone "you know I'm really not comfortable with you changing your act at the last minute."

"The fans will love it" Elvis said confidently "now what did you learn?"

Slobba took a few seconds to gather his thoughts before responding.

"I’ve confirmed that the obelix has been here since well before the city was settled.  This was such a good location that the founding settlers decided to build the city around it.  A lot of people have tried to gain entrance over the years but none have been able to do so until the man that went missing.  That's about it" he concluded.

"I've been able to learn a little bit more than that" said Elvis smugly.  "It was apparently built over 300 years ago by 4 wizards known as the Ministry of Winds.  After they built it they disappeared.  No one knows what is inside."

"It may be worth checking out then" said Slobba as he walked towards the door of Elvis' room.  "I'm going to make sure that everything is ready for tonight" he said before closing the door behind him.

It was a wonderful dream.  The landscape was dark, foreboding and bleak.  The sky was a hideous shade of blood red.  The air was oppressively hot and the screams of the souls being tortured were music to his ears.  Hot rain was beating down onto his face as he ate the heart of….. … ‘Wait a second…….rain?  It doesn’t’ rain in the Nine Hells!’

Reggie woke with a start as a stream of yellow liquid cascaded over his head.  Beyond the stream he saw a large hairy figure squatting over him.  With a roar of rage he rolled out from underneath it and prepared to cast a spell at the Wolf.

“Oh do shut up Gimp” said Shyne impatiently “I’m rehearsing my lines for tonight’s show”.

‘I’m going to fking kill him!” Reggie screamed to himself “and then I’m going to fking kill you you fat fk!’

“Yes Master” replied Reggie as he seethed with anger.

The Wolf trotted out of the room and into the corridor beyond.  If it were possible for a Wolf to laugh Reggie was sure that it would have done so.  ‘You are DEAD!’  He screamed inwardly.

“Can I help you with your lines Master” Reggie asked Shyne in a neutral tone.

“No” replied Shyne “just go and clean yourself up.  I will speak to Alyse about her wolf, although I don’t know why it would have done such a thing, it seems to be very well trained”.

“I can’t imagine why either Master” said Reggie “perhaps it didn’t see me”.

“Yes you're probably right.  Now do be quiet so that I can finish practicing” said Shyne dismissively.

“Yes Master” said Reggie ‘First the flea bag, then you….’

Two hours later the White Stag was filled to capacity with patrons eager for the night’s entertainment to begin.  The extra bar maids that had been put on to help for the night moved lithely through the crowd, expertly dodging groping hands while carrying trays laden with mugs and bowls.  The air was stuffy and stank of stale sweat, ale and cooking food.

Alyse peered through the door that lead to the tap room and nervously surveyed the crowd.

“So many” she whispered to Grumpy.

“Aye we’ve never performed in front of so many people before” agreed the Dwarf.  “Time to get the show on the road, the crowd’s a waiting” said Grumpy.

Alyse nodded in agreement, opened the door then strode out to the stage that was located just inside the room.  It took her a minute to get the attention of the crowd and a few more to get them quiet enough to commence her oratory.

“Ladies and Gentlemen!”  She shouted “It is my pleasure to welcome you to the White Stag tonight to witness entertainment that you have never seen, or are likely to see again.  Unless you come back tomorrow night!” she said to laughter.

“We are going to start the show with a storyteller that is second to none.  He will be recounting the tale of how the mines around Vandrewmans Port were purged of evil!  Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Grumpy!” she finished with a flourish.

Grumpy strode to the stage to the cheers of the crowd.  As he did so Shyne slipped through the door and moved just out of sight of the audience and began to prepare his spells.  Although Grumpy had missed the liberation of the mines he had been well versed by his friends as to what had occurred.  He began his tale in a whisper so that those in the crowd had to lean forward to hear his words.  As the story unfolded Shyne began to cast his spells; spectral figures appeared in front of the dwarf and the entire battle was played out before the breathless audience.  They gasped as Shyne was struck by the Troll; they recoiled in horror as the undead moved toward Slobba then shrieked in alarm as the zombie’s claw raked his face.  They cheered as Elvis danced and sang while waving his maracas to inspire his friends.  The story concluded with the apparition of Llona striking down the Orc to the thunderous applause of all within the tavern.  Scores of coins were thrown onto the front of the stage as Grumpy bowed low to acknowledge the cheers then left the room, passing Alyse and Slobba, who was carrying a small drum under his arm, as they took to the stage.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s hear it for GRUMPY!” shouted Alyse and cheers once again erupted. 

As the noise died down Alyse again spoke to the crowd.   

“Now we have a special treat for you” she began as behind her Slobba sat quietly upon a stool with the drum sitting in his lap “all the way from the deep forests of the Elven Confederacy I give you Llona Chestblossom!”

Slobba started to beat the drum in a slow rhythmic fashion and on queue Llona leapt through the door and tumbled across the floor.  She was wearing a pale blue leotard that barely contained her ‘assets’.  Many were the patrons that hoped for a wardrobe malfunction.  Llona ran across the stage then launched herself upwards and somersaulted in mid air then landed on her feet.  Slobba beat the drum faster as a bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face.  Llona turned and started to back flip back across the stage to the beat of the drum.  As her routine continued to build in speed Llona became increasingly aware of her affect on the crowd and how she, in turn, fed off the energy they created.  Although they were mostly human she became intoxicated by their clapping and aroused by their cheers.  The faster she tumbled and writhed the louder they screamed.  The louder they screamed the faster she moved.  Out of the corner of her eye she saw Shyne staring at her from the doorway with undisguised lust upon his face. 

The drum beat faster.  

Llona raced back across the stage and leapt spinning into the air.  A fraction of a second before she hit the ground she thrust her right leg forward and her left leg backwards and landed flush on the floor in the 'splits'.  Her chest heaved with exertion as she laboured for breath, behind her Slobba sagged back on his stool, his right arm dangling exhausted by his side.  For a second the tavern fell silent before it exploded into a crescendo of noise.  Llona remained on the floor, seemingly lost in the moment, before Alyse hurried over to her.

"Get up and take a bow" she whispered to her urgently.

"I can't" replied Llona in between breaths "I'm stuck"

"Is it cramp?" Alyse questioned

"No" came the terse reply "I'm STUCK!"

"You're...stu....oh...SLOBBA!  Quickly, help me get her up!"

Slobba made his way over to the two women and grabbed Llona by one arm while Alyse grabbed the other. 

"On the count of three" said Alyse "one, two three!

Thanks to the noise made by the crowd only the three of them heard the small slurping popping sound Llona made as was lifted off the ground.

"Enjoy that performance did you?" asked Slobba snidely as the three of them bowed to the audience who once again rained coins down upon the stage.

"Oh shut up" came Llonas terse response as Slobba helped her towards the door way where Shyne was standing dressed in his golden actors’ robes.

"That was wonderful" said Shyne enthusiastically "I loved it!"

"I can see that" said Slobba dryly.

Back on the stage Alyse was addressing the room once again.

"Ladies and Gentlemen I'm sure you'll agree that was a magnificent performance from Llona!"  She shouted above the noise.  "And now I'd like to introduce you to our next entertainer Shyne’mai Goldenrod, who is going to perform his one man play titled 'An Ode to my White Snake!'"

"Looks like he started the play already" someone shouted from the back of the room to the amusement of all those in attendance.

"What are they talking about?" Shyne whispered to Alyse after he reached the stage.

Alyse's eyes widened in shock as she glanced at the front of Shynes robe.

"I err, don't know" she stammered "Break a leg!" she said before rushing off towards the door.

Shyne purged the confused look from his face, turned to face the audience and began to speak.

It was a performance for the ages.  The audience hung upon Shynes every word as he related the story of his magnificent White Snake and how it had become such an important part of his life.  They laughed as he told how he’d accidently poked one of his friends in the eye when they were playing with it.  They cried when he told them how he had been forced to beat it regularly to get its venom out.  It did not gain him the cheers that Grumpy had received for his story, nor the adulation that Llona had received for her acrobatic routine.  Shyne affected his audience in another way.  Each member that saw his performance felt that they had been personally touched by his White Snake, and Shyne wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

As he bowed to the people he too was showered with coins.  'It’s turning out to be a very profitable night indeed' he thought to himself as he walked off the stage 'and with Elvis the Master Bard yet to come we should surely make a small fortune this night!'

"What the FK are you wearing and why did you dye your hair red?" Llona asked Elvis in a demanding tone as he stood at the entrance to the tap room.

'It's called a 'soot'" said Slobba "It's for his new act"

"New act?  No one told me about a new act!" said Shyne in alarm as he entered the room.

"Nor me" said Grumpy.

"It's just a little something I've been working on" said Elvis with a smile.  "Look at that crowd out there, this is the best show that we've ever done.  What could possibly go wrong?"

"Oh I don't know" replied Llona "maybe some jumped up retarded bard could change his act at the last minute and totally fk things up".

"Relax Llona, I'm Elvis, I never leave the crowd disappointed" he said arrogantly before he entered the room with Shyne hot on his heels.

"Don't worry" said Slobba "everything will be fine."

The crowd was cheering as Elvis took to the stage in his strange costume.  They had heard good things about the bard and they were looking forward to a great show. 

The lights in the tavern slowly dimmed.  In the background Shyne began to chant and suddenly Elvis was encased in light.  With a smile on his face Elvis began to walk on the spot as if in slow motion then in his powerful voice he began to sing

We're no strangers to love

You know the rules and so do I

As Elvis continued his song people in the audience started to look sideways at each other.  What was this they asked?  This wasn't music!  This was the most horrible song that had ever been sung in the history of singing! 

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

They started to shift angrily in their seats as Elvis burst into the chorus

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

"Boo!!" some began to shout "get off!" screamed others.

Never gonna run around and desert you

"Oh sht!" said Slobba to anyone that would listen "this is a fkn disaster"

Never gonna make you cry

A full bottle of ale flew from the crowd hitting hit Elvis flush in the face and he dropped unconscious to the floor.

That's when things really got out of hand.

Authors note: For those that aren't familiar with the rules of DnD it is a die based role playing game.  When a character attempts to perform a skill the player rolls a 20 sided die and adds whatever bonus they have to the score to obtain the total.  We have a house rule in our game that if you roll a 20 on the die you add an additional 10 to your total.  On the flip side if you roll a 1 you subtract 10 from the total.  During this session everyone rolled really high numbers. 

Elvis rolled a 1, hence the Rick Astley dance moves and song.

Chapter VII – Devils Out!

It was early afternoon and the streets of Van Drewmans Port were teeming with people going about their business.  Merchants hawked their wares out the front of their shops, wagons full of goods made their way towards the docks where they would be loaded on to ships and transported to distant ports in both Taswegia and the mainland.  The smell of the ocean was strong and the cries of gulls echoed loudly above the noise of city life.  

‘Stupid bl**dy wolf’ thought Reggie to himself as he flew invisibly beside Shyne while the group made its way through the busy streets towards the White Stag.  
‘There’s only room for one familiar in this party pal and that’s me!’ he thought angrily before throwing a rock at the wolf as it walked obediently beside Alyse. The throw was wide and it narrowly missed the wolfs head.
‘And what sort of name is Nancy?!’ he fumed ‘Oh run for your lives, it’s Nancy!  Hide your children from the wicked Nancy! You’ll get yours….’Llona hardly noticed the many appreciative glances cast in her direction as she walked the busy streets.  She was clad in a forest green coloured shirt and light brown vest that accentuated her ample bosom.  Her trousers were a dark brown moleskin style that clung to her like a second skin.  Her long brunette hair fell loosely about her angular Elven face, while her green eyes roamed the streets before her searching for potential marks….and threats.  Out of the corner of her eye she saw a tomato flash past her and hit Alyse’s wolf flush on the top of the head.  By the smell that hit her she realised that it must have been well and truly over ripe.  The wolf snarled as it whirled about and sought out its attacker but there was none to be seen.  It shook itself off then began sniffing the air and growling in the direction of Shyne, before it turned and loped back to the side of its master.  
Llona thought she heard someone say “Yes!’ but she couldn’t be certain.  She turned to Shyne who was walking a few paces behind her.
“The incident with Grumpy could have gone badly” she said without preamble.
“I agree” replied Shyne with a look of consternation on his face.
“I think that we should be ready to make a hasty departure in case we find ourselves in any more trouble”.
“A wise suggestion” said Shyne “I’ll tell the others to pack when we get back to the Inn”.

Ten paces behind the two Elves Elvis stopped while he waited for Slobba to conclude his bargain with the merchant that he was dealing with.  At around 6’4” Slobba was a big man with long blonde hair that was held in place by a thin gold circlet just above his bright blue eyes.  He was clad in custom made full plate armour but did not wear a helmet; he chose extra vision over protection for his head and the angle of his broken nose showed that sometimes that was not a wise decision.  Across his back was slung a large shield embossed with his family crest; an un blinking eye, a red heart and the letters ABBA.  In his left hand he held a long broad bladed spear, while hanging from his belt was an unadorned yet serviceable war hammer.  A small silver hammer, the holy symbol of his God Thor, hung from a silver necklace around his neck.

Slobba nodded his head in agreement at the merchant as the deal was struck, reached into his purse and withdrew a handful of coins.  After counting out the agreed amount he handed them over to the merchant before picking up his goods.  He bid him farewell then walked over to where Elvis was waiting patiently for him.

 “What did you buy my friend?” asked Elvis as he mopped the sweat from his brow that was caused by the harsh summer sun. ‘If I am finding it hot how can Slobba stand being encased in all that steel?’ he thought to himself.

“Some more drawing supplies for our new posters” Slobba replied with a smile.  “I have the master copy here, would like to see it”.

“Of course!” said Elvis excitedly.

Slobba pulled a roll of parchment out from his backpack, unravelled it, and then handed it to Elvis.

                                                                                   

           

Elvis

&

The TWATS!

Appearing at the White Stag Tavern

For 7 Days Only

On Their

Red Devils Tour!

Entertainment With Attitude!

                                      


“You have out done yourself” said Elvis as he rolled the poster up and handed it back to Slobba.  “I see that you used Llona as your inspiration for the devil in the bottom right hand corner and that is clearly Alyse in the bottom left, but who is that in the top right?”

“Shyne” replied Slobba with a devious smile “After Llona and Alyse he is the next closest thing to a woman that we have in the party!”

Elvis laughed loudly at his friends words causing some of the people around him to stare in their direction.  After he wiped the tears from his eyes he had one further question for his friend. 

“And the devil to the top left?”

“My ex-mother in law” Slobba responded with a grin.

It took nearly five minutes before Elvis could regain his composure so that they could continue their journey to the White Stag. 
As they walked along the busy road Slobba took in all the sites on the journey.  Compared to his home in the wilds of Lors this was civilization indeed.  Buildings as high as 3 storey’s lined the cobble stoned road along the route to the tavern.  They had also passed a number of marble temples and numerous gardens containing fountains and monuments. 

As per the Larencian custom in every city there was also the Glade of Contemplation for people to sit and commune with nature and seek wisdom from the Druids who tended them, as well as the Walk of Heroes, which was an avenue through an ornate garden that contained statues of great Larencians such as The King, Alex Purpleworm Bane and the Dukes Biltong and Rex. 

Certainly sites that would not be found in his homeland.

As they continued a small patrol of Larencian soldiers rode through the crowd with bored expressions on their faces.  Slobba could see from their uniforms that they from the Royal Vandrewman Household Guard.

“Parade troops” he snorted to himself in disgust before he noticed that Elvis had once again started talking to him “Does he ever shut up?” he thought.

“What was that?” he asked

“I said how many copies do you intend to make?” Elvis repeated.

“I shall produce another 10 which I will post around the city.  Alyse and Shyne are also going to walk the streets crying out the details” replied Slobba.  “With luck we shall have a fine audience to view our show.”

“About the show” said Elvis.  “I have been working on a new act which I’m sure will be a huge success.”

“A new act?” said Slobba in a troubled tone.  “There is nothing wrong with your old one.  You’ve enthralled audiences on our journey from Biltonia to here, why would you change things now?”

“I just think that I need to change things up a bit and explore new avenues for my music” replied Elvis.

“That’s understandable, you have been singing the same songs for a long time now, I am just nervous that you would choose to do this in such a large city.  Reputation is everything for performers and I would not like to see ours sullied” said Slobba nervously.

“Be easy my friend, everything will be fine” Elvis reassured him.  “One last thing” said Elvis as they arrived at the White Stag. “I must admit that my interest was a little piqued by what the Magistrate said about the obelisk.  As you move around the city this afternoon see if you can find out any information about it and I will do the same.  We’ll compare notes before tonight’s performance.”

“Will do” said Slobba as he pushed open the door and entered the building.

Chapter VI – Sock it to ‘em

"One leather jerkin" said the Constable as he placed it on the table before Grumpy.   "One pair of dark woollen trousers" he continued "one pair of high heeled leather travelling boots, one dark brown cloak, one backpack containing assorted adventuring gear, one purse containing 100 gold pieces"
"100!" thundered Grumpy "There were 329 in there when you took it off me ya Thieving buggers!"
"One half eaten soufflé" the Constable intoned.
Elvis raised a questioning eyebrow in Grumpys direction.
"What can I say" said Grumpy gruffly "I like fine food".
"And lastly one starched sock"
"Errr, starch.  Yes that's it, I umm.....starched the sock.....gimme that!" said Grumpy as he snatched the sock out of the Constables hand and stuffed it down the front of his underpants.

The Magistrate that was presiding over the hearing sat on a large ornately carved wooden chair upon a raised dais.  Numerous court officials and guards were scattered throughout the room, each of them performing their allocated daily tasks. Grumpy stood unbound before the magistrate wearing nothing but his underpants, with Elvis to his right as was traditional for the role of Advocate.  The remainder of the party sat at the rear of the court room intently watching the proceedings as they unfolded before them.  
The Magistrate stared silently down his nose at the near-naked Dwarf before clearing his throat to speak.
"Even though we appreciate how you and your friends drove the evil from the mine, we cannot tolerate you assaulting the law abiding citizens that live in this city" he said in a stern voice.  "Particularly when the assault involves” he paused briefly before picking the parchment before him and reading “jamming a pickled eel into the owner of the Busted Keg tavern”.

“Maybe they should change the name to the Busted Bunghole” whispered Alyse snidely to her companions whose stifled laughter was heard throughout the court room.

“Silence!” shouted the Bailiff angrily.

After casting a disapproving glance in Alyses direction the Magistrate continued.

“On this occasion I will let you off with a warning.  If, however, you commit one more crime in Van Drewmans Port I shall be forced to bring the full weight of the law down upon you; and believe me, you do not want that to happen” he warned menacingly. "I'm sure he's learned his lesson Your Honour" said Elvis in a soothing tone as he stood beside Grumpy.  

“I doubt that” replied the Magistrate wryly.  “You are free to dress and depart Dwarf”. As Grumpy hurriedly tried to don both his trousers and his leather jerkin at the same time, Elvis bowed low before the Magistrate.

"If that's all we'll be on our way Your Honour” he said in a respectful tone.

"Actually that's not all" replied the Magistrate "if its adventure you want I have just the thing for you.  There is a large obelisk in the centre of the city that has been here since before settlement.  Over the years many people have tried to gain entrance to it but none have been able to do so as it is warded against intrusion.  Recently one of the local citizens was seen entering the obelisk through a door that had appeared in one of its walls.  After he stepped through the door it vanished and he has not been seen since.  Perhaps you could channel your energies into trying to find the missing man?  That should keep you out of trouble for a while.....if not permanently" he said ominously.

“I’m afraid we will not be able to accommodate that request.” said Elvis “You see Your Honour not only are we adventurers, but we are also entertainers, and tonight we are performing at the White Stag tavern in the merchants quarter.   “Entertainers?!” scoffed the Magistrate “Surely not!”

“But we are” continued Elvis.  “We are called the Elvis & the Tumblers, Wordsmyths, Actors, Troubadours and Singers; or Elvis and the TWATS for short”
“That’s a mouthful” said the Magistrate “I can see why you shortened it”
“Oh yes, it certainly rolls off the tongue a lot better” agreed the Constable as he nodded his head.
“With your permission Your Honour?” asked Elvis as he bowed low.
“Yes be on your way” replied the Magistrate with a touch of impatience. “Just try to keep out of trouble” he warned.

Chapter V – Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

"Twenty seven, twenty eight and twenty nine” said Llona finally before sitting back down in her chair "Right, that's 329 gold pieces each, is everyone happy with their share? She asked.

All of her companions seated at the table either nodded or mumbled their agreement as they shoved the gold into their purses.  They had done well out of their recent adventure into the mine behind the keep.  With the gold that they had found they would be able to purchase additional equipment including a few minor magic items and a number of healing potions.  The meeting with the Mayor had also been fruitful.  In exchange for them handing over ownership of the mine he had agreed to maintain the keep in their absence, as well as giving them a 20% share of the profits.  It had been a well struck bargain and ensured that they had a base of operations well into the future.

Elvis leaned forward to pick up his mug of ale, as he did so the dim candlelight flickered across his handsome face.  A passing waitress caught her breath at the sight of the Bard then blushed in embarrassment as he winked at her.  She quickly gathered the empty mugs from the table and placed them onto her serving tray, before flashing Elvis a nervous smile then scurrying off towards the bar. 

"A good reward for a fine adventure" said Shyne as he leant back into his chair, his exotic Elven features displaying a satisfied smile.  Shyne was tall for an Elf, standing just over 6 feet in height, he wore light grey robes and a charcoal grey cloak that covered his slender yet muscular physique.  His long ginger blonde hair was styled into two plats which, oddly enough, were tied off with large red ribboned bows.  On the table before him was an open book, the contents of which were indecipherable to any but a practitioner of the arcane arts.  Behind him his great sword was resting in its sheath against the wall, well within reach if required.  Strangely there were two mugs of ale sitting on the table next to the open book.  Without warning one of the mugs disappeared from view, only to reappear after a few seconds accompanied by a small burping noise.  None of the people at the table blinked an eye at what had just occurred.

It was late in the afternoon and the tavern was crowded with patrons who had come to enjoy a drink after a hard days work.  The smell of roasting meat filtered its way into the tap room from the kitchen and the din of the crowd made it hard to hear each other talk. 

Over the background noise of the tavern a loud argument started.  Elvis peered through the crowd and saw Alyse the Ranger and Grumpy the Dwarf standing just inside the doorway arguing with the taverns owner.  Standing next to Alyse was the largest wolf that Elvis had ever seen. 

Casting a glance at Llona, Shyne and Slobba, Elvis rose from his chair with a sigh and moved over to investigate what was happening.

"No!" bellowed the innkeeper through his bushy red drooping moustache.  "You are NOT bringing that thing into my bar!" he shouted while repeatedly clenching his ham sized fists.  All conversation in the bar suddenly ceased as everyone’s attention fixed upon the confrontation by the door.

"But it won't cause any trouble" said Alyse in her high pitched voice.

"Bah" the barkeep responded with a huff.  "I will not have that flea bitten thing in here.  They drop hair every where and are riddled with vermin" he continued "and what about the smell?!  It'll turn my patrons off their food!  No, it can't come in."

"Well what if I put a rope around its neck and made it sit under the table" Alyse asked as she removed her dusty green cloak from her shoulders.

"Hmm" said the barkeep as he rubbed his fore finger across his chin.  "That might be an idea" he replied thoughtfully.

"Alyse just take the wolf outside and tie it up around the back" said Elvis as he stood next to her.

"Wolf?" replied the tavern keeper "I'm not talking about the wolf; I'm talking about the Dwarf!"

Grumpys hands went to the great axe that was slung across his back as his face contorted with rage.  Elvis immediately jumped between the Dwarf and the barman while at the same time Alyse crash tackled Grumpy to the ground.

"I'm gunna cut 'is fkn head off!” He shouted as he struggled to throw Alyse off of him.

Across the room Slobba, Llona and Shyne surged to their feet in alarm, throwing their chairs backwards into other patrons.  All of them ran across the room towards the struggle.  Llona, being the quickest of the three arrived first and flung herself on top of her two friends as they struggled on the ground.  A split second later both Shyne and Slobba landed on top of the growing pile, the impact driving the breath from Grumpys lungs.

"Whoever has their hand on my right t*t had better move it or there's going to be trouble" growled Llona from amidst the crush of bodies.

Shyne sheepishly removed his hand and grabbed hold of Grumpys course black beard, hoping that Llona didn't know that it was him.

Elvis watched intently as his friends continued to wrestle with the rabid Dwarf.  He nodded in appreciation as Slobba put Grumpy into a Figure 4 leg lock while Alyse and Llona each clung on to an arm. Shyne perched himself on top of the grunting Dwarf's torso.  Behind Alyse the giant black wolf growled as it itched to be given the command to attack. 

"Sit Nancy!" Alyse said through gritted teeth. 

Not even the immense strength of the Dwarf could compete with four opponents and after a minute or so they had him secured and were dragging him across to their table.

Seeing that his friends had the situation under control, Elvis turned to the large moustachioed barkeep.

"I will personally vouch for my friend while he is in your fine establishment" he said flashing him a winning smile.

The bar keep carefully considered Elvis' words as he watched the Dwarf shrug his shoulders in resignation; cease struggling and allow Slobba to shove him into his chair.  All around him Grumpys friends were breathing deeply after the struggle.

"Fine" said the barkeep with a snarl "But if he cr@ps on the floor you'll be the one that has to clean it up!"

Grumpy charged.

Chapter IV – The Elf Strikes

"For XXXXXXXXXXXXXPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!"

Llona ducked under a vicious swing from the Orcs wickedly barbed sword, if she'd been a split second later Shyne would have been wearing a new make up called 'Hint of Brain'.

Dropping to a knee she thrust upward with the sword in her left hand and felt the blade deflect off the plate armour that protected the Orcs torso.  Out of the corner of her eye she could see Elvis gyrating his hips while shaking his maracas about the fruit hat that sat upon his head.  Inspired by the site and the words of his song she renewed her assault with vigour.

As Llona leapt forward to attack, Shyne took the opportunity to catch his breath and leaned heavily upon his great sword.  He could see Gimp hovering behind the Orc, darting in occasionally to distract it to allow his master and Llona to strike.  After a quick breath he cast an appreciative glance at Elvis, hefted his sword and charged back into the fray.  'With such inspiration how can we possibly lose'! He thought to himself.

"You ask yo Momma 'Please?' but she still says 'NO!'" Elvis sang loudly.

Oblivious to what was happening inside the corridor, Slobba reached inside his tunic and grabbed for the ornate hammer that dangled upon a chain about his neck.  As the undead continued to shuffle towards him he raised the Holy Symbol of his God above his head and bellowed "BY MIGHTY THOR BEGONE VILE SPAWN OF THE UNDERWORLD!  ....eerrrrrr please?!"

A hot bright light burst from the hammer and enveloped the creatures before him, instantly vaporising the 3 skeletons.  The zombies recoiled from the power of his God and attempted to flee from the light.  One passed within Slobba's reach as it attempted to make for the nearest exit.  Slobba quickly released his Holy Symbol, swept up his battle hammer and brought it down onto the right shoulder of the zombie causing it to fall to its knees.  As it struggled to its feet Slobba noticed that its nose was upside down.

'What the fu.....arrrghh!" he screamed as the zombies claws racked a bloody trail across his face.

With the blood seeping into his left eye partially obscuring his vision, Slobba cast his shield aside and swung his war hammer with both hands, bringing it down upon the zombies head with a sickening sound.  It collapsed to the floor and remained still.

"Now your Mom threw away your best Play Dwarf Mag!" sang Elvis in the midst of a lambada like dance routine.

Back inside the corridor Llona motioned for Shyne to move to his right while she circled warily to her left.  The Orc's hate filled eyes darted from side to side as it assessed its options, before it unexpectedly stepped back a pace and started to wave its fingers in front of it and began to chant. 

'Spell! Shouted Shyne in alarm.

Llona leapt at the Orc and buried the first of her blades into its right armpit and the second into the inside of its left thigh.  With blood bursting from its mouth the Orc slowly sank to its knees and with a baleful look at Llona it spat "I. Am your father" then died.

thought Reggie to himself with a chuckle.

‘Well that explains the nose’

"Really?" asked Shyne uncertainly.

"Oh pu-leese" replied Llona with a snort as she cleaned her blades on the corpse.

"Aw Mom you're just jealous, it's Elvis and his boys!" sang a panting Elvis as he sank to one knee his arms outstretched. "Thank you very much".

Apologies to the Beastie Boys for butchering their all time classic ‘You’ve got to fight for your right to party’.